CRAIGSLIST ADVENTURES WITH GLENNY AND ASA or I MET A GUY OFF CRAIGSLIST AND I'M STILL ALIVE

It’s a beautiful day: the sun is out, the birds are chirping, and my asshole is in tact. If you’ve been following my hunt for this year’s hot toy, you know that yesterday was the day Glenny and I went to Times Square for the Craigslist pickup of a Hatchimal. Halfway through the Uber drive there, I realized what we were doing could possibly be illegal – and my fear of being raped/murdered was instantly replaced by the fear of being arrested. It didn’t help that the location we were heading to was NYPD-central, and it really didn’t help when two cops came up to us and shook my hand – the very hand that was tightly holding onto the 160 dollars that I had repeatedly practiced slyly slipping into the palm of the dealer. Glenny attempted to calm me down by giving a detailed play-by-play on how he came to boycotting Chipotle. It sort of worked.

All in all, Project Hatchimal was a smooth transaction from beginning to end. 10/10 would recommend purchasing sold-out-everywhere toys off of Craigslist. 11/10 would recommend GlennyBalls as a bodyguard and accomplice. I’ll even go as far as saying it was tremendous fun – I can’t deny the adrenaline I felt throughout the entire event. The journey there. Smoothly lying to the cops. The moment I saw the dealer. Slipping the money in his hand. Examining the product. Riding the high of a successful quest. It was invigorating. I felt like a young teenaged drug addict again.